I am never going to escape G. She is an iron vise around my neck and I hold her there myself. She is the most exquisite form of self punishment.

My father, my rapist: those two are forces of nature. They were inflicted upon me. They can be rationalized away, understood to an extent, excused. I can repeat the words I am not at fault and they will ring true, even if I don’t believe myself.

But G. I knew. The emotional abuse, the manipulation, the lies, the humiliation. I knew from the very start and I stayed for two and a half years and I hated every minute of it and I loved being destroyed because it was exactly what I deserved and exactly what I wanted. And still want.

God help me, I still want.