Man, I don’t know what you expect me to say. That I thought I deserved better after three years than half a week of silence and being dropped without a word of explanation for why? Because I thought I did. Is that what you want to hear?

Do you want to hear that I’m mad at you and myself alike? Because that’s true too. I still stand by what I said, even if it could have been said better. It takes more than one person to decide what’s fair. 

I never believed any of the bad things you said about yourself but I obviously should have because then maybe I could have at least accommodated for this scenario. Instead I didn’t even see it coming. There have been times when I genuinely fucked up and felt my heart drop to my stomach, but.

I guess I could have groveled back on my stomach to you, apologizing for something I didn’t even know I did. But I wasn’t the only person in this friendship either. 

And I know I wasn’t one of your special friends who fit into your hivemind but I held my tongue when you told me so and rubbed my nose in the fact that no matter how hard I tried to be there for you and how much I loved you I was never going to be good enough. I held my tongue when you rubbed it in my face that you were gossiping about me with other people and I held my tongue when you harassed my friends in front of me for daring to be my friends because you were special and I had to structure my entire public life around making sure you knew that.

And I was happy for you despite all of that. And I still am, I guess. I don’t know how much longer you’ll check this blog. I’m guessing you’re still checking it now, but you’ve already surprised me once today so maybe I’m fumbling in the dark here as well and just embarrassing myself.

Anyway. I’m happy for you and I love you and I guess I always will. I feel like you definitely have a better support structure than when I first met you, and are in a better place. I can only hope I helped a little with that. Or at least didn’t hinder it. Good luck with college and the rest of your life. It always seemed amazing to me that you couldn’t see it about yourself, but I know you are going to do incredible things. You are incredibly strong and brave for making it this far, and I know you have so much more within you to share. You changed me and I’m just one small little tsun. I can’t imagine what you’ll do to the world. Everyone who knows you is lucky, myself included. Especially me.

Besos, cariño.

"Whatever someone you become, wherever you are in the world: I’m sending you love. You’re my friend till the end."